I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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