You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
