Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
