just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize