When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
