Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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