see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
