Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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