life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
