Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
