New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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