She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
