Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
