forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
