Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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