I accidentally burped into my bong.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
