she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
