Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
