i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
