So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
