You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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