there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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