Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
