I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
