Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
