Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i dont even know how to be here
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
