Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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