You can't motorboat a personality
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
