I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
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