I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
where am i from again
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
