Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
