you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
What a dumb baby whore.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Randomize
