the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
operation harelip BJ is a go
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
