I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize