i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
