Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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