We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize