Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
