yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
