listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
