what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
