I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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