Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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