My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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