Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
