Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
