I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
