Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
