why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
