I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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