Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
