for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
