I met the friendliest cop last night
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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