life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
if only i could text you this smell
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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