Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
