If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
