did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
