U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
