He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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