i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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