On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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