you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
