Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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