I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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