her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
