Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
